Elite Creatures Unleashed Encore!
by Arcanomancer
Summary: 4 years ago i had an epic... now it returns to grace your screens with the usual degree of randomness, insanity and elite creatures squabbling like 12 year olds! Please R&R, and i hope the old keepers love it!
1. Welcome back to Heartland!

Elite Creatures Unleashed – Encore

Chapter 1: Getting back into the Groove

By: Arcanomancer

Yes, I decided to revive an old fave… after it disappeared 4 years ago and popularity vanished… I found the first 8 chapters of the original the other day and boy I enjoyed reading them :D So I thought I'd start the fic up again… albeit with a few changes, but with the same elite you all love and loathe

Gervaise: Can it… can we start having fun again?

I need to get you all back first…

AAA

Disclaimer: Okey, the Elite are property of whomever owns DK2 now, I hear Bullfrog did some changes a while ago so I cant be certain… I however belong to me…

Okey, after 4 years, this will be fun!

To remind you all, the difference in looks of the 13 Elite are as follows… should you have forgotten/ not played DK2: (Key: Creature Type - Name - Difference)

Goblin – Grubb – Golden Helmet, Greener Skin

Firefly – Bzzzt – Purple instead of Orange

Warlock – Almeric – Red Robes instead of purple

Salamander – Furnace – Distinct markings down his back, no other has em

Dark Elf – Zenobia – Actually has hair

Rogue – Gervaise – Blue armor instead of brown, Also has two daggers

Dark Mistress – Dominique – Purple hair instead of red

Black Knight – Kaleb – Blue Armour instead of Black

Skeleton – Bane – Skeleton looks Metallic as opposed to white

Bile Demon – Bloz – Golden Maces on his horns, Orange body instead of red

Troll – Knud – Shiny Hammer and Greener Skin

Vampire – Kessler Van Doom – Purple Robes instead of Black

Dark Angel – Zachariah – Darker Skin and Wings

AAA

Darkness filled the corridors, not a single sound anywhere save for loud clucks from the left as a figure moved down the central passageway of the dungeon, looking for signs of life…

???: Bloody hell, where is everyone?

A brief cry of pain as he tripped over a bone on the floor, and after a yell managed to find his way to the central chamber, the dungeon heart standing lifeless under the floor before the man put his hands to it and started to chant, not noticing a figure behind him suddenly spring out and tackle him to the floor.

???: What the bloody 'eck?

He span and on top of him stood a Rogue in blue leather, daggers poised and a grin on his face

???:Gervaise you idiot, it's me…

Gervaise: Irv… When did you get back? We thought you'd died…

Irvine: I did, dead men seem to come back a lot these days…

The Dungeon heart began to glow harder, the entire area gradually brightening as several imps appeared and scurried off to do their things.

Irvine: Where is everyone?

Gervaise: After your 'defeat', they took life into stride… decided to settle down and live normal un-lives…

Irvine: -Sweatdropping- How drunk are they?

Gervaise: Extremely… oh, and stay out of the Hatchery…

AA

After the heart was working again, the pair started to explore and clean, hacking away the cobwebs and grin as a purple figure emerged from the library and held up a tube connected to a pack of volatile looking liquid on his back

???: Behold Almeric, the Flamethrower!

A voice from inside piped up

Almeric: It'll never work!

The Vampire laughed at Almeric before starting his invention and blasting the cobwebs blocking the corridor, grinning and winking at Almeric, who stood there in shock

Almeric: I'll be fucked, something you made actually works?

Irvine: You'll be fucked too if he notices he set his arse on fire…

Kessler van Doom: I didn't set my…

A quick lightning bolt to the backside had him run screaming looking for a pool of lava to douse his arse in as water would hurt him, and Almeric chuckled as they headed to the next door, but screams came from inside as a large red beast with golden maces from it's horns charged through the broken door and barricaded it up really fast

Almeric: Bloz, dinner attack you again?

The red thing turned and nodded

Bloz: That chicken is hell incarnate, speaking of that, where is the Reaper?

Irvine: Horny's off at Matalan buying himself a nice outfit, he said something about spring-wear…

Bloz turned and grinned as Kessler came back, looking none the less pleased to see his keeper, and angry at his arse's pained sensation

Kessler van Doom: Now, do we go wake the others up?

Gervaise: Leave that to me…

As they all walked off towards the Casino, bangings came from in the Hatchery, and a red eye appeared from a hole in the door

AA

Almeric: Wake up you lazy gits…

Poking people at random in the casino was having little effect, nor was Kessler's tickling of peoples feet or Gervaises patented 'Tit-alarm', which he christened after grabbing women firmly to wake em up, but this only succeeded in getting him a slap from a drunken dark elf as the keeper giggled

Irvine: Gervaise, they still loathe you after 3 years…

Kessler van Doom: Him and his way with women…

Irvine cupped his hands and used them to amplify his voice, yelling "Free Porn!" at the top of his lungs and getting a reaction from the sleeping crew, as a bright blue armoured figure groaned and rubbed his eyes… or tried too through his helmet.

Irvine: Wake up Kaleb, we need someone for fighting skills…

Kaleb: You said something about Porn?

Irvine: There isn't any…

Kaleb: Well bugger you then!

He crashed out again, and Irvine sighed as Gervaise shook a bottle of beer next to the Knight, who instantly leapt up and grabbed it.

Kaleb: Gimme gimme gimme! You're my best mate Gervaise!

He grabbed him in a bear hug, and Gervaise winced as his bones broke. Following a quick heal, they managed to pull other people to their feet, leaving them disorientated and confused… none more so than a Dark Angel when everyone started to walk off.

Irvine: Zachariah, are you alright?

Zachariah: Where are you all going?

The Dark Elf turned and looked over her shoulder with a scowl

Zenobia: We're going to relieve ourselves…

Zachariah: Not in the bloody temple your…

But it was to late, they were all gone and the Dark Angel cussed before following, Kessler plotting once again

Kessler van Doom: Maybe if I invented something to go with that ancient toilet… perhaps a trough for men to use…

Almeric: What about the women?

Kessler van Doom: Well then can queue for the one we have like most women do!

The Vampire cheered at his idea, Almeric groaned, but smirked as a hand grabbed Kessler and shook him with a lightning charge

Almeric: Dominique, think you can lay off him for just one minute…

The Mistress sighed and dropped the Vampire to the floor, who landed in an undignified heap at her feet

Dominique: Sorry, we haven't had anything to do for aeons…

Almeric: I know, but don't worry… I feel we're gonna have fun again soon, I mean it's been 3 years and we're back in action…

AA

Irvine: Right, everyone listen up!

No one gave him any heed, so he held up a picture of a topless lady with big breasts which did the trick

Irvine: That's better… now stop pissing into the font whilst I talk, you can do that after…

The men all groaned and turned, the Keeper grinning at this little victory and pointing to the corner

Irvine: We need to clean this place up… mops and buckets are there, each of you take a room or corridor area and do the job…

Gervaise: What are you gonna do?

Irvine: Take all the credit of course…

Zachariah: You better deal with the problem in the hatchery first…

Irvine blinked and looked at him

Irvine: Problem?

Kessler van Doom: The one Bloz ran from…

Almeric: You see, the chickens had a prophecy that one would arise to save them… and we laughed, but it has, and it wasn't what we were expecting…

AA

Irvine walked towards the hatchery, the elite in tow and shook his head

Irvine: It cant be that hard!

Kaleb nodded his head and laughed

Kaleb: Yea right, even I know not to charge into there…

Irvine: Well, lets take a look!

He hurled open the door, and standing in the middle of the room was a chicken far larger than anyone in his dungeon, standing there looking maniacal with a monocle on it's face and a small black moustache above it's beak as it turned and gave a screech

Gervaise: My god, Gestapo Chickens!

Even the skeleton looked up in fear

Bane: Order of the Cluck…

Irvine slammed the door shut just as the first wave of hens tried to beak him, but shook his head and turned to the others

Irvine: How longs this Cluck up been here?

Gervaise: Good few months, why?

Zachariah: He terroises us whilst we sleep… he knows all…

Irvine: Yea right… first order of business before we clean up… How do we take care of Baron Von Kluck there?

Kaleb: (drunkenly from a corner, obviously less than caring) Who gives a flying cluck…

AA

There we are, chapter 1… what do you think:D It's been ages since I did a proper story like this but I hope its as good as the original… let me know and I hope you enjoyed it

End Chapter 1


	2. The Invasion and an old friend!

Elite Creatures Unleashed – Encore!

Chapter 2: Gotta catch the Kluck!

By: Arcanomancer

Well, I didn't think I'd get any attention to my stories after so long away… but it's nice to see one of the original keepers reviewed it, thanks Az :D

Kaleb: Drinks please…

AA

Disclaimer: I don't own any of them… except Irvine, the mad purple keeper :P

In the old fic I spoke up on how to get the elites in DK2 for players whom wished to do it… problem is after 4 years I forgot how to do it myself… so lets forget it and get to the action!

AA

Whilst the team of elites were busy having their chaotic rumbles down in the dungeons, in a far away realm at a specialised dungeon, the word 'MATALAN' can be clearly seen over the entrance. Inside this clothing emporium is a ten foot tall red demon in armour, horns adoring his head and chin as he strides down the aisles, his three helpless aides in tow…

Horny: So many dresses, so little time… it's summer for the season, so what looks fine… Ho hum…

Walking through the ladies underwear and into the dresses, he went around humming to himself whilst his assistants lowered their heads.

Felix: If people realised who we were…

Tristan: We might not live this down…

Horny: Silence Princes, this isn't Heartland! You will do as I say and as of right now I command you to hold my dresses!

Assembled customers laughed and the princes tried their best to ignore it, but this failed as the reaper started back towards the underwear section, quickly stopped by the massive screen above them turning to static and a large chicken in a beige uniform appeared.

Baldur: Now theres something ya don't see every day…

Felix: Wonder who…

BVK: Greetings Demons und Mistress Demons, I am der Baron von Kluk. Prophesised leader of zer hatchery uprising…

Horny: My god…

He raised an eyebrow

Horny: The chicken Colonel Sanders sent to the mental institute…

BVK: Ve haff laid siege to ze dungeon of zer elite and vill make it ein sanctuary for all der chickens und tings zat are under threat from der vills and tastes of all people! End zer transmission!

The screen went blank, and Horny instantly grabbed his scythe and roared

Horny: Come Princes, back to Heartland!

Felix: WAIIITTTTT!

The reaper turned and looked at them holding the dresses.

Horny: Oh just bring em out to the car, they'll bill me later!

AA

Kaleb: Eat Death!

He was slicing with his sword, and the poor double bed never stood a chance as Gervaise leaned against a wall and shook his head

Gervaise: You know Kluk's gonna wipe the floor with you, don't you?

Kaleb: No he wont… as I'll be TOO DRUNK TO CARE!

He cheered and ran through a wall, easily demolishing the foundations and charging into the casino, making the Rogue sigh as Knud walked through and started assembling doors, muttering to himself whilst smiling.

Gervaise: Knud, I thought you'd be sick of this…

The troll looked up and grinned.

Knud: True, but it keeps me busy…

Nodding, Gervaise walked out, seeing Kessler holding a cage and smirking.

Kessler: My new invention, the chicken coup!

Almeric sighed, coming up behind Kessler whilst stroking his goatee

Almeric: Kessler, you know that's too small…

Kessler produced a small sphere of two different colours from behind his back and bounced it in his hand

Kessler: I have a plan…

A

Irvine: So, we're agreed…

Irvine was standing in the guard post with Zachariah, Bloz and Dominique. Zachariah smoking a cigar and Bloz wearing an upside down saucepan on his head with 'da sarge' crudely painted on.

Irvine: We bowl Bloz into the chicken, Zach smashes it apart, and Dominique stands there naked dancing…

Bloz: It is a good plan…

Dominique: Why cant someone else dance? Like Zenobia?

Irvine: Zeno gave me a good reason to why not… it involved her boot connecting with my children and grandchildren…

She grinned and Irvine shook his head, looking out of the door.

Irvine: If I had the hand of evil this would be so much easier… but I don't so it's gonna be a damn sight harder…

Kessler charged in, holding the game boy he'd stolen from Irvine many years before and bounced around in glee.

Kessler: I got a plan!

He accidentally knocked Bloz's saucepan off his head, the resultant backhand turned the Warlock into a speeding projectile, followed by being a pancake on the wall.

Bloz: Don't touch the cap!

A

In the casino at this time, the door was being pounded on. The Invasion had started and hordes of mindless chickens were being guided by Von Kluk straight towards where he knew several of the elite were hiding… and as Grubb the goblin barricaded the door, he looked over to the others in the room. Zenobia was readying her bow, Bzzzt and Furnace were lined up ready to assist, Bane was standing by with his sword at the ready and Kaleb was layed across the roulette table pouring endless bottles of alcohol into his mouth… somehow through the helmet.

Grubb: Kaleb, what are you doing?

Kaleb stood up and saluted before shouting his head off

Kaleb: THE CHICKENS SHALL TAKE OUR FREEDOM… BUT NEVER OUR BOOZE!

He crashed out and gave a content sigh, followed by a room shattering burp which was only enhanced by an extremely large car smashing through the back wall of the casino and the horned reaper flying through the windscreen to land at the feet of the drunken black knight, who giggled seeing the reapers flowery dress.

Horny: Not a word…

Kaleb: … No tits?

He dodged the reapers scythe and yelled "Dress and no tits!!" before fainting whilst upside down against the back wall, Horny and the Princes getting into position as the door came down and the horde of chickens came marching in, wearing black jackets and shades as they charged forwards and began the pecking of doom…

AA

Irvine knew they were in trouble… he sensed the arrival of the reaper himself, the converted princes of the realm and several members of his elite steadily fighting but being overwhelmed as he and his team charged down into the Casino from the far end of the dungeon, seeing the carnage as the reaper was grabbed by a chicken, span in the air and thrown hard at the keeper, whom was flatted by the tremendous bulk of the master of hell.

Bloz: DINNER TIME!

Quickly he leaned forward and started to spin on the spot, gradually building speed as Zachariah leaned over and blinked.

Zachariah: Are you… spindashing?

Bloz: Yea, I saw it on Irvines Gamecube… some game called Sonic I think… great stuff!

Without a second thought he blasted across the floor with a tremendous fart pushing him on his way, bowling over a large number of hens and providing the dungeon with easy omelettes for aeons. Suddenly he was grabbed and stopped, and unwrapped himself to find himself looking into the eyes of Von Kluk.

BVK: Bawk? BAAAAWWWWWWW!

With an ultimate roar he hurled the Bile Demon back and into the magic door between the Casino and the Dungeon Heart.

Dominique: Can I dance naked yet?

Gervaise: Now's not the time…

He leapt through the air, digging his dagger into the chickens side, but it merely bought a wing up and pushed him away before spinning and pointing his revolver that appeared out of nowhere.

BVK: I am ze fuhrer of ze poultry!

Gervaise: And I'm fucked…

The shot rang out, but the bullet never connected… in an instant Gervaise was out of harms way and sprawled over the floor, and in his place with a bullet lodged in his armor was Kaleb, whose eyes were glowing red under his helmet as he gave as hellish a laugh as Kessler and stamped forward, spinning his sword before him as more bullets impacted with his armoured hide.

Kaleb: Pluck the chicken, pluck the chicken!

He laughed and started to swing his sword around like a madman, cheering to himself as Kluk raised an eyebrow... Kaleb was a good 10 paces away from him

Kessler: Deep freeze! What wouldn't I give for some heroes now?

AA

Meanwhile in the former castle of King Reggie…

Guard: The keeper will soon be vulnerable…

Wizard: Yes… but that Baron Von Kluk will come for us next Mike…

Mike the Guard rubbed his brow and sighed

Mike: After 4 years… then we shall give our lives fighting!

He devised a plan on his own, whilst the rest of the heroes ran around screaming about the end of the world at the hands of the chickens

AA

A bloodthirsty roar filled the air as Kaleb and the three princes were overwhelmed by the chickens and Kluk called the hens back, the humans laying there covered in peck marks as Kluk walked forwards and pulled a portable Howitzer from his feathers, blasting open the magic door and revealing the dungeon heart.

Irvine: Knew I shouldn't have put the casino so close…

He coughed and stood up, and as Kluk tried to advance a stone hit him in the head and pushed him back, a large armoured figure standing between him and the heart.

BVK: Bawk: Vat imbecile stands between me und vorld domination?

The man held up an extremely large Axe, his glistening silver armour looking regal as his voice boomed around the room.

"FANCY A SCREW DARLING??"

Irvine: Oh no… not him again…

The chicken lord fired a few more shots into him, and he merely laughed as he removed his helmet and a large beard spilled out and over the front

BVK: I am ze fuhrer hen und zese are my followers… Vat are you?

The big man gave a really healthy, belly filled laugh and bought up his axe.

"I'M BRIAN BLESSED!"

AAA

Aye, I HAD to have him back! It wouldn't have been the same without him… he's been in the World of Warcraft for a few years so that should be a bit of fun :P Hope ya liked that, please don't hesitate to review… free Dominique dancing if ya do ;)

Dominque: Aye, and the paint comes off!

Why not? This is an M rated fic!


	3. Brian v the Baron and Random Stuff!

Elite Creatures Unleashed – Encore!

Chapter 3: Klukky Kluk Kluk, Are we smeg outta luck?

By: Arcanomancer

After a rather depressing weekend I bring you chapter 3 of this self called epic… at least, that's how I view it, no one seems to be showing much of an interest anymore…

Kaleb: Stop the manic depression, get some alcohol down yer neck!

I'm not depressed now retard… that's why I'm typing this…

Brian: "I'M BRIAN BLESSED!"

… You know, I think we guessed that…

AA

Disclaimer: Still the same as last chapter, except Brian's trusty sidekick is owned by a good friend of mine… hope this goes down well grins

Gervaise: Can I perv yet?

AA

Brian Blessed… a mammoth of a man, clad in the finest furs over his armour, a big dark beard spilling down over his front and by his side attached to him by a rope was his small Gnomish assistant, whom had 'volunteered' for service from the world of Warcraft and was tired of the big mans laughter and self convinced doubt that no one knew his name…

Baron Adolf Von Kluk… A mammoth of a chicken, clad in a pure beige uniform with red bands around his wings and legs. At his waist hangs a revolver in a holster, on his back is a howitzer cannon and behind him a legion of angry chickens…

How can Brian Blessed hope to overcome such a challenging obstacle… He must have a plan, a smart, intelligent decisive move that will bring him victory in overwhelming odds… Yes, now Brian holds his axe up in the air and gives a big laugh… any second now…

Brian: ARCANITE REAPER… HHOOOOOOO!

Okey, he charged forwards… cant expect everyone to have the mental capacity higher than a rotten grapefruit can you?

A

Gervaise: Am I the only one who has a foreboding sense of doom about this?

Knud: I've had it since Zenobia got PMAT…

Gervaise raised an eyebrow before seeing Von Kluk hurtle into a wall

Gervaise: PMAT? I heard of PMT but…

Knud: Pretty Mad At Trolls… I stole her underwear again…

The rogue laughed whilst the troll continued work on the age old sentry cannon that had stood by the dungeon heart for aeons… temporarily stopping as he heard a wheeze and saw Kaleb thrown across the room by an enraged keeper.

Irvine: No beer bottles in my cobblers!

Kaleb: I thought you were Kluk… Darling!

He stopped in mid air and span to Dominique in the doorway, blowing her a kiss before resuming his flight through the air and into the swarms of angry chickens.

Dominique: Is this a bad time?

Irvine: Not really, He's less mad than usual…

Dominique: I mean the battle of Blessed vs Kluk… wont we be a little overwhelmed and what the hell is Kessler doing?

The keeper span to see the vampire sitting on top of a tall chair, holding a strange box towards the fight and cheering.

Irvine: Kessler, may I lose brain cells when I ask what the hell you are doing?

Kessler: New invention keeper… Video Camera… it's tied in with the idea of Pay Per View for the old box with faerie porn that we used to watch…

A grunt filled the air as a red clad warlock collapsed under the weight of the film-reel.

Almeric: I invented the concept of Channels… I did…

Irvine: I think this Earth place would be willing to dispute that… by the way, after this is over can you enlighten me as to the reason why my dungeon was actually destroyed in the first place?

AA

Brian: FANCY A SCREW DARLING?

Von Kluk laughed as Brian's Gnomish assistant headbutted him in the cobblers. A small lass with large pink hair tied up like two large candy floss pieces, her plate armour clanked whilst her head shook from side to side.

Deggies: Focus on the battle and not yer F'in dick!

He grabbed her and span her in the air, making a 'whee!' noise come from the gnomes mouth.

Brian: I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Deggies: I think we know that by now…

Brian: YOU'RE A LITTLE PIZZLE-POT!

The gnome coughed before being thrown through the air onto the mad chicken, who immediately threw her back.

Deggies: It's Fizzlepot you furry wanker!

Brian: I'M NOT FURRY!

BVK: Bwahahaha, Zer infighting verks very well… dis Brian vill fall before mein army…

Brian: SCREW YOU POULTRY, I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

He bounced over the floor, Gnome in tow, and belly slammed the enormous chicken into the wall.

A

Irvine: You know, I think we're more insane than usual… hey, wheres the reaper?

A cough drew his attention, and the door across from the heart revealed the Horned Reaper… Horny to his mates, Taking a piss in the temple font, beside him a dark angel yelling various profanities that were so rude they cant be typed in this fic as words do not exist yet to express them.

Horny: Ooo go to hell you pansy…

He span and pissed over the dark angel, sending him flying back through the wall and past BVK and Brian who just laughed and carried on fighting.

Horny: BWAHAHAHA! PISS OFF!

He hit the floor laughing at his own crap humor, getting a groan from the other people as he rolled about in his dress, getting it covered in dust before his ear was grabbed and he looked up to see a guard standing over him holding a strange white piece of plastic behind his back.

Horny: Who are you?

Mike: I am Mike the Guard, Emissary of the GREAT 'Heroes Automobiles Lifehood Founders With Integral Teaching Styles'… but you can call me the leader of the 'HALFWITS'…

Horny blinked as Mike walked across the casino, casually ignoring the battle and tapped the hood of Horny's car.

Mike: Is this your Mini?

Horny: Yes I stole it off an old lady… your point?

Mike: Your license is revoked, we at HALFWITS are going to make you resit your driving test for your new license… Mrs. Reaper…

Horny fell to his knees and yelled 'NOOO!' at the top of his lungs as Kaleb patted him on the shoulder.

Kaleb: Oi, Mike… HALFWIT…

Mike: HALFWITS you git…

Kaleb: Well I'm the Director Unanimously Made By Foreign Undertakings Clearly… uhh… Kingly?

Mike: Ahh… so you're a DUMBFUCK then?

Kaleb blinked and fell forwards over the reaper before stalking off to get a bottle.

Kaleb: I'm fucking drunk… and you try making an acronym out of that!

A

BVK: You vill never win zis ya fat bastit!

Brian: I will for I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

He laughed and swung his enormous axe around at the chicken, whilst the small gnome swung around attacking whatever she could punch and kick, whilst the Baron flapped his wings at them both, and a keeper was laughing his head off whilst cheerleading the fight.

Irvine: Go Go Brian, Go go Brian…

Gervaise: Yer mad…

Irvine: This is the dungeon of the master and the unleashed elite creatures… Where does sanity fit in?

Kessler came through the door behind them at that point, out of view.

Kessler: Unleashed Elite Creatures… that sounds like an ACE title for a story…

Irvine: Nah, it'd over-rate us and get people disappointed…

He turned

Irvine: Kessler… what are you wearing?

The vampire had cast off his traditional purple and black robe, and stood there clad in a denim jacket with matching jeans, and on his head sat a white and red baseball cap.

Kessler: I am clad in the finest outfit for my new profession, for I have in my possession the ultimate artefact that will bring the Baron under my control…

Kessler held up a small red and white ball, and Gervaise raised an eyebrow.

Gervaise: A dismembered albino testicle?

The keeper laughed as the vampire walked forwards, seeing Brian get thrown back and the Baron shoot him but squawk in anger as the bullets lodged in Brian's beard.

BVK: You vill die now!

Kessler coughed and the weakened Baron turned to fave the Vampire, who turned his baseball cap back and clicked the button on the front of his sphere, making it twice the size.

BVK: Ooo, Tennis… Ve do not play zat in ze reich vivout grenades…

Kessler: You are weak, you will be mine!

He hurled it forward with all his might, Von Kluk trying to get out of the way but falling over curtesy of an ice charge from Dominique and tripping over Kaleb's four million empty beer bottles before being hit and vanishing into it in a wave of red light. The ball hit the floor and started to shake softly.

Irvine: My god, a ball that dissolves people… hey, it's alive…

Kessler: Come on…

Gervaise: Fucking hell I hope he doesn't use that on me…

Kessler: Almost…

Brian: I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

The ball stopped shaking, Kessler walked over and grabbed it, staring at it intently and grinning before giving a yell of triumph and spinning in the air, giving the peace sign with his free hand and making it burn off in holy energy.

Kessler: I did it, I caught Baron Von Kluk!

Irvine: Your never playing my gameboy again…

A sigh filled the air and the team turned to see Mike standing there, striding over Deggies who was busy beating up Brian who had fallen unconscious on the floor after a colission between his babymaker and Deggies enormous mace that was three times her size that was kept hidden down her breastplate due to an incredible plothole and amusing mental image… and he stood before the reaper.

Mike: This situation none-withstanding… Come on you, Driving test time!

He dragged off the lord of darkness, and the elite had to follow, clearly interested to see what was about to happen to the lord and master of darkness… in his bright flowery green dress with Brian being dragged behind them.

Irvine: Deggies… Why exactly are you with Brian…

Deggies: Don't ask, he kept saying his name in case we forgot it and I got concussed by his overwhelming beard… then I woke up here…

Irvine: Figures, we really are going as mad as we used to be…

AA

There ya go, that was number 3, and in the next instalment the Horned Reaper does his driving test in his mini… will it work? I don't know but I do know one thing… it wont take more than 20 minutes to write! Hope ya liked it, please review!

Arcanomancer, Reading the highway code!


	4. Lets Ride!

Elite Creatures Unleashed Encore!

Chapter 4: Driving Lessons from Hell…

By: Arcanomancer

Wow… how long since I last updated? So much has happened and so little has been achieved…

Kaleb: Stop blabbing, We KNOW it's been years, get on with it, I wanna see Horny in a dress!

You and your mood swings… Fine, Fine… I'll get back to typing…

AAA

Disclaimer: Everything is how it always has been…

With that settled, Lets see if I can still do this…

AAA

With the Dungeon Scene dying down and the commotions of Von Kluk The Magnificent being subdued by the most overrated and misused anime style of all time (Containment in a little ball), We now see the Horned Reaper being dragged on a leash by a Guard through the dungeon, a Furry Viking-esque man bouncing behind them.

Horny: Will… You… Let… Me… Walk…

Mike: Oh come on… In that Dress? This is the first time I've pulled…

Horny: That's not the Literal meaning now, Is it?

Brian: I'M STILL BRIAN BLESSED… Hey, Where'd my Gnome go?

He turned over his shoulder and saw the shadow of the Gnome fleeing into the sunset… which was quite an achievement given they were underground.

Horny: Oh my heart bleeds for you…

A quick tug of the leash got him thinking as the Guard shook his head and continued to drag the being of darkness through the tunnels towards the Hero Keep.

A

The Keeper sighed softly, witnessing the scene leaving his Dungeon as he cracked his knuckles, Mana flaring around him whilst he strode confidently into the Library and moved over to a Bookcase.

Irvine: Almeric my man, Where do ya keep the Spellbooks of old? I would ask Kessler but he's out of it at the moment…

Almeric stroked his beard and chuckled, watching the Vampire in his Denims pointing dramatically at the wall.

Kessler: Go Von Kluk, Use Drill Peck!

BVK: Bite Me!

Kessler: -sighing- Still need My Gym Badges…

Facepalming, The Keeper moved over to the rack and held out his hands, channelling energy and closing his eyes whilst feeling power surging out and into the books, catching the three pairs of eyes by surprise.

BVK: Mein Gott!

Kessler: He's Re-empowering the spellbooks!

Almeric: YES, Finally Something Worthwhile that Doesn't Involve Breasts, Sillyness or Your Wacked Out Inventions!

Kessler: I call this one false teeth… BITE ATTACK!

A pair of teeth flew through the air and bit the Warlocks Crotch, getting a girly scream from the old man as Von Kluk and Kessler Laughed, seeing Irvine working.

Irvine: … Possession… Call to Arms… Tremor… Hey, Whats this?

Blinking, His Mana-Infused fingers touched something small and black, rectangular and covered in letters and numbers.

Irvine: Kessler? Care to explain?

Kessler: It's my new invention, The Computer!

A

Mike: Now Horny, Do you see the Obstacle Course in front of you?

Sitting in his Mini with Brian Blessed and the Princes all crammed into the back, Horny and Mike looked out of the front at the course laid before them, which consisted of Bollards evenly spaced.

Horny: This is a waste of time…

Mike: Do You See The Obstacles?

Horny Bellowed in annoyance.

Horny: YES! Even if it DOES look like the M25…

Mike nodded and tapped the Dashboard, indicating to go… Within seconds the Mini was up on two wheels strafing around the Cones, The Reaper Chuckling as he suddenly slammed the brakes and everyone's head hit the roof.

Mike: Uhhnnn…

Horny: Did I do good for a Cross-dresser?

Views were mixed from the back seat…

Felix: I'm gonna be sick…

Tristan: Thank god Dads not here…

Horny chuckled and the car accelerated again…

A

Irvine: Hmm… Fascinating, I can access my old Libraries back in The Realm of Joy…

Almeric: You never did tell us why you left…

Irvine: All things come in order… now then, How to do this… Aha, Uhh… Kessler, What is a Chat Room?

Kessler chuckled and smiled

Kessler: It's how you talk to people over this Internet

The Keeper nodded and stared intently at the screen, pondering what to do as the Mana infused him again and he let the magic take care of the intellect part he missed with modern technology…

ECUKeeper Joined Channel- Skybird Trill 001

ChiefWarlock – Hello?

Mistress020 – Who Is this?

ECUKeeper – Heh, You guys don't remember your keeper?

HentaiTentakul – OMG Hello Irvy!

ECUKeeper – How do Tentacles Type?

Mistress020 – Beats Us too, Lol…

ECUKeeper – ChiefWarlock, are you in Charge of the Libraries up at Trill?

ChiefWarlock – Sure am…

ECUKeeper – Can you Conjure a Portal so I can reclaim them? I'm restocking the Archives here at HQ

BigFatOne has Joined the Channel

BigFatOne – Lol I Jus had 1 Massive Sh1t lolz!

BigFatOne has been kicked by Mistress020, Reason: Dipshit On a Stick!

ChiefWarlock – I'll do better, Kessler hooked us up on Direct Link, I'll send you the copies now, hang on…

ECUKeeper – Cool, I can… Wait, Direct What now?

Kessler just pointed to the side of the Computer where a mailbox was hooked up, a blue flash illuminating from it as he reached in and pulled out two letters.

Kessler: Hmm… Gervaise's Issue of F-cup Faeries, Frolicking in the Fields… and a Letter, Hmm… Enlarge your Pe… Oh god that must be his Too

A far off yell of 'I HEARD THAT!' Made them laugh as various spellbooks began to pile out of the machine, the keeper cheering triumphantly as he said his goodbyes to the chat room and got off the stool to organise the books, Almeric smiling and sitting down to type…

DaBigAlm Joined Channel – Skybird Trill 001

Mistress020 – Oh hello there, Big Boy…

DaBigAlm – Ready for the Robe and Wizards hat, Mistress020?

Mistress020 – Yay, Torture Chamber for showing of Nightmare on Alm Street! =D

A

Horny: Who wants some music?

Cruising down the Dungeon Highway the Mini bounced along potholes, the driver not caring and thankful the tunnels were made wide enough as Brian bounced up and down in the back, chuckling to himself.

Brian: I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Baldur: We know! Got anything Nice and Calm?

Horny pondered the Death Metal, but then took note of the Instructor whom had taken his Scythe, and if Mike Protested Horny would be kicked out, so he shrugged and reached into the flowery summer dress with a smile upon his face.

Mike: Now… Questions… Your Travelling at 40 Miles Per Hour and hit an Imp, sending it 120 Meters, You hit the Same Imp at 30 Miles an Hour and the distance of flight is proportionately lower… What is the Distance?

Horny: Who Cares as Long as the Fuckers DEAD?

Mike: I see… Next, Your at a Crossing and an Elderly Lady crosses with a cart of goods, She's in front of you as the Light turns green, What do you do?

Horny: Give her the Finger of Doom… And if she Complains Shove the Cart up her arse!

Stopping at the Lights, he drummed his fingers on the roof, seeing an Elderly Lady start to cross and a grin crossed his face. A grunt told him no and his Horns drooped whilst the Guard waved the lady on, Upon the Lights turning Green Horny Sped off.

Horny: -Yelling loudly- CROSS FASTER YOU ELDERLY BITCH!

Laughing broke out in the back as Mike sighed and read from his page again.

Mike: Final Question… Your Driving Instructor taps the Dashboard and gestures to the Left, What does he mean?

Horny: Uhh… Turn left?

Mike: NO…

He grabbed the steering wheel and violently veered to the left, mounting the side and hitting a random woman whom had been walking past looking smug with herself.

Mike: It means run over my bitch of an ex-wife!

Horny: Your getting better and better by the minute…

Mike: However, Sadly I don't think you…

Horny popped in the CD, and instantly the song kicked in, everyone in the back seat nodding in rhythm…

"What is love…"

A

Irvine: GERVAISE!

The Rogue backflipped over the roulette table, cartwheeled around the dungeon heart and hurled himself at the wall. Rebounding off he dived through the library door and landed on one knee.

Gervaise: Ta-Da!

Irvine: Uhh… Yea… Assemble the Elites tonight, I wish to talk to them..

Gervaise: Jawohl Mon Kapitan, Is there anything else you need?

The keeper pondered for a minute before smiling and nodding to the door.

Irvine: Never you mind about that… Just get everyone there…

AA

What could the Keeper have planned, and how is Horny's Driving Test gonna end up? Stay tuned to ECUE to find out… and where HAS that Gnome gone?

Also thinking of Promoting Mike to Royal Guard… think I should?

Arcanomancer, Off for a rest!


	5. Hero Madness and Story Time Thats it?

Elite Creatures Unleashed Encore!

Chapter 5: Driving Tests and Recollections

By: Arcanomancer

Well, After two years I'm starting to feel the urge to do more and more again… I must admit it has been far to long…

Gervaise: Why for did I do the Acrobatics last time?

Dunno, I wanted to end on a flourish…

Kaleb: And you were ignored!

AAA

Disclaimer: Still don't own em…

Lets Rock and Roll… or roll some rocks…

AA

As the Elites all gathered, racing back towards the dungeon was a certain Mini, music blaring from the open windows as the Princes and Reaper sang to their hearts content, Mike quickly filling in every box on his clipboard with ticks and Brian just bouncing in rhythm.

Horny: Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb…

Baldur: You're a sex bomb!

Felix: And you can give it to me when I need to come along…

Tristan: Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb, You're a Sex Bomb…

Brian: DON'T TOUCH MY ARSE!

A

Back in the dungeon, the Casino was full of action, the Imps working hard to replace the massive hole left by the Reapers Mini previously as Irvine looked around, rubbing his chin and sighing.

Irvine: That's everyone… hang on, where's Gervaise gone too?

Gervaise: I'm right here, by the kegs…

He grunted, and the Keeper looked over to see the Rogue trying to force a certain blue armoured knight away from the tap.

Gervaise: Let go Kaleb… Time to say Bye Bye to Mrs. Keggy-Weggy and listen to the Keeper…

Kaleb: -Slurring very drunkenly- Is like a nipple… Is give me beer an stuff…

He crashed out over the Roulette table, giggling to himself as the Keeper levitated above the ground and nodded.

Irvine: Right, you all need to know the reason of the sudden disappearance and the reason the dungeon fell before…

Kessler: Yea, and what happened to our Allies?

Zachariah: I was popular with one of em…

Gervaise: And I miss the torture room full of leather clad, sultry… Oooo…

The Keeper sighed and facepalmed.

Irvine: From what I've sensed and felt, Keepers either Fled once the battle commenced or died during infighting… the Blue Dungeon is unaccounted for but the rest all seem hollow haunted empty halls of…

Almeric: -Interrupting- So what your basically saying is… All these Dungeons are sitting here, UNUSED?

Irvine: That's the size of it…

Dominique: Imps, Left Right and Center!

The Keeper laughed as the Imps all saluted and charged off and around, searching for something to do whilst a good number of them just ran off to claim the other dungeons.

Gervaise: I'm not satisfied about something… Kaleb, Your with me…

Kaleb: DARLING!

The Knight threw himself over the Rogue, and Gervaise sighed as he ambled towards the Dungeon Heart where their keeper had gone.

A

Roaring to a Halt, the Horny-mobile landed in front of the Hero Keep, north of the dungeon as Mike got out and smiled widely at the tall red demon that squeezed out.

Mike: Congratulations Ms. Reaper, You have passed One Hundred Percent…

Horny: Congratulations to Me, Bloody Brilliant!

He cheered and skipped, the Princes clapping politely behind him whilst Brian bounced on the spot and sighed

Brian: GNOME GO HOME… Hmm, Whats this?

He noted the especially long chain that disappeared into the distance and gave it an almighty tug, at first nothing happened so he grunted and gave another, almighty pull.

After a minute, the sound of gleeful squealing got louder and louder, until eventually a flying pink fuzzball impacted crotch first with his face.

Brian: GNOMEY! FANCY A SCREW DARLING?!

Sighing, She jumped off and headbutted him in the nuts, The Guards coughing as a Monk walked up and bowed.

Monk: Begging yer Pardon Mike, Ms Reaper, But we need your help right away Mike, a new Organisation seeks to destroy HALFWITS ownership of the roads…

Mike: This is an Outrage! Who?

Monk: They call themselves the 'Creature Liberation Internal Treatese Operating Riskily Inside Society'

The two charged off, leaving the Princes sighing.

Baldur: Don't they know the Abbreviation of that is Cli…

Horny: STOP THERE BOYS, INTO THE CAR!

He crammed them all in.

Brian: I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Horny: YOU'RE BRIAN BLESSED, IN!

He booted the large one into the back of the Mini and sped off, back towards the dungeon whereupon he crashed straight through the casino wall and landed on top of a certain Dark Mistress.

Horny: Well hello my dear… I've been a very… Naughty Reaper…

Dominique: Of course you have!

She dropped him and got back to drinking and from the distance, a chorus of squeaky voices yelled something along the lines of 'We just Mended that You Bastard!'.

A

Gervaise and Kaleb folded their arms as their Keeper worked his magic at the dungeon heart, smiling to himself as he finally re-conjured his Hand of Evil, and upon kneeling a single long flash re-signalled his full return to power.

Irvine: To what do I owe this honour, Gentlemen?

Kaleb: Gervaisey has… Hic! Somethin' ta ask… HIC!

Kaleb collapsed back against the wall, Gervaise shrugging and grinning.

Gervaise: There's something you missed, I can tell by looking at you… What really happened to you once you were banished by the Outside Forces?

Irvine sighed and looked down into the heart, chuckling.

Irvine: I'll tell you… If Kaleb removes his helmet

Suddenly, the Knight INSTANTLY sobered up and assumed a defensive posture

Kaleb: WHAATTTTT??!?!!

Gervaise: I bet his mother fed him with the Helmet on…

Kaleb shrugged

Kaleb: Yea, I got Rust on her boobies…

The Keeper wanted to question Kaleb being born in armor, but decided against it and shrugged, placing a hand on the hip of his purple tunic.

Irvine: That's the offer, Take it or leave it…

Kaleb sighed and looked around, dismissing the Imps within the Heart Area and locking the door…

A

Kessler: I don't believe this…

A loud sigh escaped the Vampires lips, and as he slumped down into his coffin a certain Dark Elf looked over from her mushroom where she was curled up.

Zenobia: Whats wrong Kessler? Chickens been trying to peck yer Gonads again?

Kessler: No, Incidentally my invention of the Chicken-burger went down well!

He gave a dramatic pose before falling back down and holding a hand to his bald head.

Kessler: Theres been to major laughs this Chapter, You'd think at least one joke woulda happened by now!

Zenobia wondered what he meant, simply shrugging and returning to sleep whilst Kessler shrugged and cupped his hands around his mouth to yell.

Kessler: BREASTS!

A flying shoe connected with the Vampires Forehead and knocked him out.

Zenobia: You know I don't approve of that sort of thing…

Knud: I don't think he meant yours…

She looked over at the sprawled out troll and blinked, grinning and looking back to the swirly eyed Vampire.

Zenobia: My bad, Carry on Kessly!

A

Mike: CHICKENS!

The new organisation seemed unfazed as weapons were bought to bear against them, and the Rebel Creatures clashed with the Heroes in one unstoppable brawl, the noises were many and varied, here are some of the remarkable ones.

"That Armour Hurts the fists!"

"Hit it with yer sword!"

"Try not to make a mess when I bash yer head in, would you?"

"I'm putting in for a Promotion!"

"HALFWITS Will emerge from this on top!"

"Hit it with a Stick!"

"Sod this, It's Payday…"

Both forces suddenly stopped and retreated to the Treasury, and upon returning to the battlefield they found the place deserted and empty.

Elven Archer: Aww, Damn it, we were winning!

Mike: You can say that again, Longears… I'm going to file that Promotion to Royal Guard…

Monk: How uncouth of them to not want to play… We cant find them now…

Mike: Given the abbreviation of their Acronym is Cli…

A cough came from behind him.

Mike: …ris, I should imagine it would be Very hard to find in the first place unless shoved in our faces like now…

He went inside, missing the bright red face of Longears and the teasing she was receiving from the other Guards.

A

Kaleb: Right, you better not bleedin' tell…

Kaleb undid the clasps as Gervaise and Irvine watched intently, and as the Helmet slowly raised off the Knights head, Horny burst through the door at the entrance to the Heart, the shock making Kaleb lose his grip and the helm tumbled to the floor.

Horny: Oi, Irvine, I'm Contracting British-itus like you… I want some tea and to moan and… to…

He stared…

Gervaise and Irvine Stared…

They Blinked…

Horny, Gervaise AND Irvine Stared…

Kaleb felt uneasy…

They Blinked again…

As the Helm fell away, a long long trail of blonde hair cascaded down around the Knights shoulders, and upon looking up with the formerly Red glowing eyes, now glowing blue, the Keeper pointed as all three of them blinked rapidly.

Irvine: Your… A… GIRL?!?!?

Kaleb shrugged and responded in a VERY different, and highly female sounding voice to the booming Manly one before

Kaleb: You Better believe it, Now start talking Mister before I Boot you ALL in the Portal Gems!

AA

Theres a twist, who was expecting that one? I mean… I was actually thinking of something like this, The Elites needed at least one more woman, and the one hidden in Armor was the only one I could think of, this opens up so much more potential…

Gervaise: Prepare for the fanrush Kaleb…

Kaleb: I fear nothing!

Gervaise: You wait for Rule 34 to kick in…

Arcanomancer, Signing out!


End file.
